General disappointment among residents as space station Tiangong-1 fails to land on ANU campus

Residents have expressed dismay after the Chinese station, roughly the size of two ANU Security vans, crashed in the South Pacific rather than within the ANU Union Court construction site.

“The publicity would’ve been nice,” said one student. “The baseball bat disaster was back in August, and we haven’t even been flooded out since March, so all my friends have gone back to thinking I go to UC.”

A number of rejected Woroni contributors had previously flagged the development site as a potential landing site as a publicity stunt to endorse the upcoming Australian Space Agency, a known interest of Vice Chancellor Brian Schmidt.

These allegations follow a significant increase in communications between Schmidt and the Chinese government in late 2017, a trend which analysts understand to coincide with the descent of the satellite and the announcement of the space station.

Authorities note that the Chinese compensation for the suspected landing site would have been fortuitous to offset the unforeseen costs of the minor rain and major flooding event of February 2018.

The Daley Mail is yet to receive comment from its one off-campus source, a rough reconstruction of the reports of several ‘townie friends’ has suggested a student conspiracy to contact the Chinese government in the hopes of accelerating the landing to coincide with mid-semester exams.

One Burgmann ex-resident has corroborated this plan: “If they can call off class because of the rain, I’m pretty sure a satellite crash would get my security midsem deferred.”