FREE AT LAST! Daley Mail returns after being held captive for over a year by current VP Declan (DK)

After 435 days, the Daley Mail has finally been released from previous editor Declan “DK the Dictator” Duncan-Keen. Burgmann residents have spent those 435 days in the dark about the return of the media institution, with undeniable ramifications for avid Daley Mail readers. Upon interviewing students from various demographics of the college about this integral news source, many residents responded with: “Huh?”, “Please leave me alone, I’m just trying to make eggs.” and “Who are you?”. Many have rightfully been seeking a scapegoat for the disappearance of their favourite news source. They have found one in DK: a tyrant, current BRA VP, and self-professed vape addict. What was the motive behind this imprisonment? Are there grounds for immediate dismissal from his current role as BRA VP? Daley Mail reporters are following this ongoing investigation.

Dictator DK has a track record for human-rights abuses, especially related to media suppression. Alt-food reviewer, Burgies Critique Cordial, has not published since February 25th, when co-admin Peri Saunders posted about one of the best cordials ever produced by the Chartwell brewers, which received a rare 9/10. DK, on the other hand has not posted on the account since the 15th February. Readers may think this was not that long ago, but no, the 3-month anniversary was yesterday. 3 months with no updates on the state of cordial, are students meant to know what is considered good cordial? He is a tyrant. He needs to be stopped.

Although it may seem that DK is the only oppressive BRA VP, that is not the case. There has been another instance of tyranny carried out by BRA VP Rebecca Stoljar, known to everyone at Burgmann but only ever whispered about: the yoga mat situation. On March 23rd the misplacement of a black yoga mat sparked a series of posts and harsh words, only for the issue to be resolved in 3 days. Leaving this reporter to wonder, when will these dictators be brought to justice? Are we living in the time of BRA totalitarianism? Only time will tell.