Facebook Privacy Breach: Zuckerberg Details Full List of Friday Morning ‘Walk-of-Shame’ Participants

In a startling new development from Facebook, The Daley Mail has discovered that among the data illegally obtained by the social media giant is a comprehensive list of every individual who had made the treacherous journey back home from a one-night-stand’s room.

The extensive list features the time, route and origin of every ‘Got-Laid-Parade’ in the past two years. The data, of which there is more than four terabytes, is a collection of CCTV footage, GPS tracking, and snippets of audio saying, “so… coffee tomorrow?”

In a US Congressional Hearing this morning, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, 33, admitted that this data had been collected from March 2016 to aid the BRA Presidential candidacy of then-nominee, Benedoodle McCattry.

It was alleged that Mr McCattry (who has now changed his Facebook name to avoid publicity) paid the British data firm Cambridge Analytica to gather potential hookup information in order win votes through blackmail.

In a stunning twist, the Hearing was reminded that these events were represented in McCattry’s 2017 Mr Burgmann video; it had until now been assumed that this was merely a fictional representation. McCattry denies that any of this data was used to manipulate voters’ intentions, before whispering to our reporter, “Unless you want the whole college to hear about [name redacted]”.

Attention quickly turned to the potential ramifications that this information could have for future Smut Trees. When asked by The Daley Mail if Burgmann should expect a return of the Smut Tree in the next Omphalos, the publication’seditor merely mumbled something about “that USyd college” and walked away awkwardly.

More to come.