Peter Garrett released from 10 days’ unlawful custody in residential college, Burgmann BNO director

After 10 days’ absence from the public eye, former Labor MP, Midnight Oil singer and Burgmann resident Peter Garrett has been found in a police raid on Burgmann College. The ex-Minister has declined to comment at this stage, though it is believed he was being held captive in the room of 2018 Big Night Out director Jackson Howard.

Police quickly identified a motive in the kidnapping, describing the event as “unsurprising” given that the college has won the interhall contemporary music competition for the past three years, as well as a diminished relationship with IAC following Burgmann’s unauthorized petition to amend the ‘40 Hours of Film’ to ’42 Hours of Film’ in the final hours of the event.

The ACT Police Service is yet to confirm whether any other Burgmann residents were implicated in the kidnapping, though sources confirm that Big Night Out co-director and ANUSA General Representative Samuel Cass was seen loitering around Howard’s room at the time of Garrett’s disappearance.

Garrett has confirmed that he was in no way harmed during this period under Howard’s custody, and residents interviewed claimed that the two bonded over mutual interests in Australian music and animal rights.

Several items were removed from the resident’s room during the raid, including a formal contract ratified by Long CJ, stipulating that the co-directors Cass and Howard were to receive tattoos of one another in an intimate location, should the band secure its fourth consecutive victory this year. The contract is being treated as relevant to the investigation.

When questioned, resident legal analyst and ANUSA College of Law representative Campbell Clapp confirmed the legality of the document: “While both parties to the contract are familiar with LAWS1203, their results indicate that neither of them understands repudiation well enough to back down on the deal.”

It should be noted that Garrett’s disappearance was recorded shortly after Cass expressed concerns that having Howard’s face permanently branded on his flesh would jeopardise his relationship with the Tuckwell dynasty.

The findings have prompted an unannounced police raid on John’s XXIII College, following what residents have called the “bizarre” social media silence of Gypsy Scholars singer James Kelly (relation to Paul Kelly unconfirmed).

UPDATE: Beds Are Burning has been struck from Burgmann’s setlist. The decision has been described as ‘unrelated’ to Garrett’s return to civilization.

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