BREAKING: Financial Services Royal Commission temporarily moved to Burgmann Parents' Weekend

The Daley Mail can exclusively reveal the third round of public hearings in the Banking Royal Commission will be temporarily relocated to the QT Hotel on Saturday night, as all called-upon witnesses will be conveniently attending the ninth annual Burgmann Parents' Weekend Ball.

In an unprecedented coincidence, all witnesses called to appear in the next hearing block, as well as legal experts assisting the Commission will be in the New Acton area from Friday night for the annual event. A press release published this morning announced the temporary relocation “saves money, time and means we can cut shapes on the d-floor after Rowena Orr QC cuts into parents’ credibility.”

The Royal Commission has been investigating instances of misconduct in the banking and financial services industry. Revelations to have come out of the first two rounds of hearings have led to high profile resignations and a commitment by the government to introduce more stringent legislation.

A statement from the Burgmann Residents’ Association expressed concern at the prospect of the commission sitting at the ball, with the statement highlighting BRA “wouldn’t want to detract from the enjoyment of parents and residents alike by offering a three course meal and all-night drinks package whilst simultaneously revealing who profited from approving low income earners for loans they couldn’t afford.”

Though, BRA recognised the convenience of the hearings replacing the traditionally cringe-worthy President’s parents’ speech, citing they were “looking for ways to integrate the hearing into the evening. The Commission has even suggested donating immunity for the silent auction.”

Burgmann residents have predictably displayed a mixed reaction to the news, with 70% of parents working in the banking and finance sector.

“Uhh yeah, look. I knew dad was at AMP but he shouldn’t be responsible for incompetent understaff?” exclaimed one student.

“Mum is friends with Senior Counsel Assisting, so my trust fu-, uh, my parents’ jobs are well safe” said another resident confidently.

Though, it has been repeatedly confirmed parents in the other 30%, predominantly from rural locations simply don’t give enough of a shit. One diverse residents’ father who arrived in the Capital early after a 3 day drive from North Queensland pointedly stated to our reporter: “with the drought on and falling lamb prices, we’re in the big smoke for a good time, not a commission. Does the QT have bundy?”