Burgmann Lost and Found inquiry findings: Residents need to get their shit together

Following the festivities of Burgmann college’s annual founding celebration (known interchangeably as ‘Burgday’, ‘Christmas’ and ‘a forgivable sacrifice of your GPA’), a commission into the social media pages of the residential hall has indicated severe shortfalls in residents’ capacity to look after their own possessions.

The inquiry revealed that, on average, mobile phones comprised 70% of lost items reported over the last two days, and of this figure, over 90% cited a broken screen as the device’s defining characteristic.

Analysts have reassured the Daley Mail that these observations are no cause for alarm, classing the drastic increase in phone mistreatment and misplacement as an ordinary by-product of any chaotic self-care event.

“The phenomenon isn’t unusual in a residential hall setting,” said resident sociologist Dr Ryan Clough, OBE. “In fact, based on previous case studies, it’s a good way of moderating the social media onslaught that typically comes with the combination of inebriation and unusually decent lighting.”

“At this time of year, obnoxious Snapchat stories are inversely proportionate to obnoxious Lost and Found posts. It’s just a matter understanding that we’re looking at the lesser of two evils.”