#LibSpill Chaos Curiously Coincides with Spike in Burgmann Interns at Parliament

Members of Burgmann College’s resident body have rejected rumours that their increased presence at Parliament House has facilitated the occurrence of the Liberal Party leadership challenge.

The accusations arise after a Daley Mail probe linked the leadership crisis with a dramatic increase in the number of Burgmann volunteers, interns, staffers and paper pushers working on Capital Hill.

While senior members of the Liberal Party wrestle for Australia’s most illustrious job outside ANUSA, the Mail understands that a combination of unpaid internships, ‘career-building’ volunteering, staffing vacancies and cafeteria hiring sprees have facilitated the most serious internal sabotage campaign since the communist VENONA scandal of the 1940s.

The Daley Mail’s exclusive investigation – a collaboration with Red Flag and Breitbart – uncovered a spate of political mischief occurring since the start of sitting period in August. In addition to standard political sabotage, such as leaking to 2GB and spreading misinformation, Burgmann residents also allegedly used their new connections within the Parliamentary Café to put scopolamine in the coffees of Liberal Party members.

Scopolamine, also known as ‘Devil’s Breath’, is a medication known to impede the ability to act rationally make decisions for oneself.

One Burgmann defector, whose name has been withheld due to safety concerns, described the operation as “a precise and concerted effort to insert a Burg-centric regime into the halls of power.”

“I was only there for one day, doing cold calls for a Lib in a marginal seat,” she confessed. “But it was enough to make me a hack. I hid in the bathroom until after dark, and then ran around and switched all the name plaques outside the MP’s doors. No wonder they were all running around manically this morning.”

Of the plan in general, the dissident remarked: “The plan went flawlessly. Except one guy ended up volunteering for the Liberal Democrats instead of the Liberals. That was a fucking mistake.”

She also confirms that the group of co-conspirators have a name: the Burgmann Union for Mayhem in Parliament (BUMP).

In an anonymous statement to the Mail, BUMP outlined their mandate:

“Commcars will be replaced by white VW Polos.

When divisions are called, ‘Nice for What’ will replace the Parliamentary bells.

The Government Party Room will be just that: a Party room.

The budget will be funded by Daddy’s AMEX.

Nauru will be reserved for people who take washing out of the dryer when it is still wet.

Capture our privilege. Capture our complacency. Capture our imagination.”

More to come.