FIRST YEAR DRINKS ALCOHOL, INFORMS PEER GROUP

It has today been revealed that a first-year resident has in fact, consumed multiple alcoholic beverages in the last 3 hours and is now “totally fuuucked”.

David, an Arts/Law student hailing from Melbourne’s southern sandbelt, is believed to have consumed a total of 4 mid-strength lagers and two “really strong sips of goon".

It is believed that on multiple occasions on his pilgrimage to Moosheads Pub David made multiple later years students aware of the volume of alcohol he had consumed in an effort to gain their affections.

An RA speaking to The Daley Mail on the condition of confidentiality, expressed their disdain at inevitably having to look after David later that evening. They also stated that “He (David) single-handedly makes me question how necessary it actually is to have condoms readily accessible for everyone.”

After a brief stint hopping between the regular night spots that constitute “the four pillars” of clubbing in the capital, David’s night concluded at 12:13.

This reporter spoke to David before beginning his trek home “Yeah look I totally could’ve got with her but like, I wanna keep her keen ya know? But like she totally wanted to”.

It is understood that the second-year resident in question was simultaneously unaware of David’s name or intentions.

Update: following the lack of improvements in David's love life, the Bureau of Meteorology have marked the 1000th week (or approximately 19th year) of consecutive drought conditions.